Church Hurt

Church Hurt

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As I was looking at Facebook this morning, I looked at the “suggested friends” list.

A name popped up of a person that I do indeed know… one I knew quite well once upon a time. A former pastor of mine.

One who caused enough hurt and pain that I left church for several years. So did my sibling. So did some of my children. To date, those children-grown now- have not returned, and are very anti- belief. (Something that breaks my heart, and I pray that God will fix.)

As I tend to do with folks I once knew, I followed the rabbit hole of their Facebook, peeking into their lives. I had once-several years ago- messaged him on Facebook, simply to tell him how I felt, to ask the how’s and why’s that ate at my heart, and to state that I’d forgiven him. As far as I am aware, he never read said message.

And I at least, find forgiveness to be a very tricky and sometimes difficult thing. It’s a process that can be quite difficult, quite a “oh my goodness, I’m there again and still angry about ____.” thing. Forgiveness is HARD, and for myself at least, I tend to respond to hurt with anger, even rage. If has long been something I have begged God to remove from me…and as of yet, he hasn’t.

I believe it is both sad, as well as soul-searingly honest to say I have struggled with hatred for this man. It is honest to say I wanted him to fail.

I honestly thought I’d let everything go.

I did.

But somehow, seeing that he had recently been ordained as pastor over a different church…

I admit that I did not react well. I wondered why. I have concerns that he may well hurt someone else.

I admit I’ve questioned how God is OK with him, even knowing that (due to other circumstances I do not have details of) they DID leave the church where all this happened, went thru some awful things, even stopped preaching for some time.

I know that God deals with things very differently than humans do.

I also know that I don’t want these awful feelings and the bitterness inside of me.

What I want is an apology.

I’m realistic enough to know it may never come.

I SO want to be more like Jesus, whose love for those who hurt him never wavered. Who never got angry, but prayed for those who hurt him.

I’m weak. I know that in my past, I have hurt people, and yet I find it so hard to let go. Hard to let go of something I don’t want to hang onto in the first place.

I know I’m not alone in being hurt by a church member. I’m not alone in wondering how said “person of God ” could do such a thing. I’m sure I’m not even alone in the “he’s supposed to be a shepherd! Why?!”

I don’t know what-if anything- has happened between him and God on this subject. I know, despite MY reservations and immediate recoil, that if God placed him in this position, that God absolutely has a reason. This is very much a “your will be done, Lord” situation.

I will be praying for this man, as well as for peace for my heart and dissipation of the remaining negative feelings I have.

If you’ve been thru similar issues, I encourage you to do the same.

May God bless you today.

#LetGoAndLetGod #churchhurt #ForgivingChallenge