Trust is the Deepest Act of Faith

—-

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

 

We all know this verse. It’s become a feel- good mantra, over quoted and tossed about with little thought to the depths of meaning within.

I thought I understood it…but I have gotten lessons in just exactly what “with ALL your heart” actually means.

I have been on a bit of a faith mission so to speak. I want to be closer to God than ever before, unwavering, unquestioning, with faith as deep as the sea. The faith thing has long been my prayer, but it has not been an easy journey.

The Holy spirit has poked me over the years and let me know I was not fully trusting, fully giving, fully releasing. As with many things, I had to debate this, think it over, even ignore it for a while.

And, as God tends to do…he finally said you’re not going to ignore this any more. You’re going to deal with it once and for all…

Either you’re going to trust me…or you’re not.

That was a HARD night, full of tears. I literally feel that I emotionally wrestled with God. While he already knew, I explained the reasons for holding back. I explained my fears, I confronted that I was terrified, and yet when God asked me if I believed he was good, I can wholeheartedly say “yes!”. When the Holy spirit kept showing me the verse of God saying that if our earthly fathers know how to give good gifts, how much more HE gives…

And the part of “if you ask for a fish, would I give you a snake?” was brought to mind.

My response was, “yes, but…”

God wasn’t having any ifs, “and(s)”, or “but(s)”. It was time to get down to brass tacks. Did I trust him?

 

Well…if I was honest, I had to get past my white knuckled grip on things. I had to let go. I had to be willing to give that whole-hearted trust, even knowing that it might mean things that I did not (and still DO NOT comprehend).

 

I realized I had faith PTSD.

That is in no way a joke, nor is it making light of PTSD.

I’ll explain.

I have been blessed to have several examples of absolute deep unwavering commitment to God in my life. My late father was one of them, and many times I would talk to him in regards to questions, pondering(s) and trials.

Daddy was a “all in” type. He encouraged me to be the same. So when I was facing extreme trials with my first husband, when he seemed to be “flirting” with religion but not really a relationship with God, I called daddy for advice.

After talks, the two of us decided to pray for him, for God to do “whatever it took” to get his attention.

Little did I know that “whatever it takes” meant that the pray-er was going to go through hell too. Little did I realize that the forces of hell will do ANYTHING to stop prayers like those.

My marriage fell apart. He began drinking, drugging, and running around. I was left with no vehicle in a Podunk town where the only job to be found was a gas station cashier at minimum wage for 20 or so hours a week. Then school started, I had 4 young kids to get school supplies for,and no way at all to do it.

It got worse. I had to move home, got a divorce, he went to jail. Within a year or so of my leaving he had multiple other children by multiple women. He lost everything. He is-last I heard- unable to see ANY of his children, mine want nothing to do with him.

Despite that challenge and the pain it took, I was still willing to give EVERYTHING in faith.

And then…

I had a sibling who had been difficult for some time. They were constantly in trouble with dfacs (I had had custody of her kids for 2 years), multiple run-ins with the law, domestic violence was constant, so was mental illness.

Once again, daddy and I decided to join together in a “whatever it takes” prayer.

And God forgive me, but to this day, if I had to do it over again, I’m not sure I could.

To say hell broke loose is no exaggeration. Lives were destroyed, changed forever. Scars that despite years of therapy, remain ugly and tender.  She went to prison for murder. For many years, I did not-could not, to be honest- speak to her. It’s only been in the past year and a half or so…but God has really worked in her life since she’s been incarcerated.

I have people in my life now that I need/want/pray to be saved and/or return to God with everything in me…

But I could not let go enough to trust God with “whatever it takes”.

I was afraid of the cost.

I still struggle with it.

I’m a bit of a control freak in life anyway.

But I can’t half trust God. That’s the same as not trusting at all. Trust and faith is a yes/no, black/white, either/or situation. There is no 3rd option.

So… I let go. I’m working on not grabbing the reins back.

There’s serious growing pains for me. But I believe that God is good, all the time.

That means even when hell breaks loose.

God bless you today.

 

#trustinthelord

#withallyourheart

#givingall