The wrong shall fail, the right prevail…..with peace on earth, goodwill towards men

Beatified does not begin to explain how I felt when I landed at the Jess Dunn warehousing facility on 12/2. One of the first things to catch my eye was a flyer on the wall advertising the six part Obi-wan Kenobi series being played in the chapel over three weeks in December. My heart soared. In the middle of this move, in the midst of my incarceration, in a lonely season of birthday and holiday longings, this was going to be such a blessing, a humongous blessing, just when I truly needed one. Eighteen months or so ago I began reading the Star Wars Legends and New Cannon novels to occupy myself during covid and in the absence of a job. Our tablets provide several podcaster reviews of the Disney+ SW series so that I have been able to stay relatively up to date with the current storylines. Now I have landed on a yard that has a chaplain that is a self professed Star Wars nerd. (Did you know that the Fed’s and DOC recognize The Church of the Jedi as an officially sanctioned religious affiliation?) Neoclassic storytelling takes hold as the Obi-wan saga continues the tragic chronicling of a father figure being betrayed by the child that he raised. It is a story of a prodigal, a prophetic “chosen one”, who believes the whispers of a demonic force and then he turns on the one who loves him most to embrace the promised riches of an evil influencer. It is the story of Adam betraying the Lord, of Absalom betraying David, of the Prodigal trying to take his father’s wealth, of Lucifer usurping our Creator God. I know this plot line. I’m living out this story in real time. Karmically, just as Palpatine lied to Aniken about Padme’s impending death (resulting in a self fulfilling prophesy because of her broken heart) in order to win Aniken’s allegiance with the promise of knowledge, wealth, and power so too was my son lied to. His maternally adopted grandmother swayed him at seventeen years old to the dark side with the promises of a new F-150, free rent, an easy life, and freedom from the need to go through his own adulting. He could be a kidult forever. And all he had to do was perpetuate a deceit. All he had to do was agree to the weaponized false allegations levied by TPD detective Diana Baumann and Tulsa County Assistant District Attorneys Jake Cain and Sara McAmis. All he had to do was to be morally ambiguous and not own up to the personal ethics his mother and I tried to instill in him. Effronterly, Brandon deceived when he ran away from home. He deceived in the filing of a protective order because he was expected to accept adult responsibility for his adult choices and actions. He deceived at the end of his (4-22-2009 through 4-18-2010) guardianship when he sued his mother and me for future health care coverage, future college tuition, and future personal expenses. He deceived when he lost that suit and then he and his palpatinian grandmother threatened vengeance. He deceived when he agreed to the lies of District Attorney Tim Harris, Assistant District Attorneys Jake Cain, Sara McAmis, and Amanda Self, and the disgraced former detective Diana Baumann. He deceived when he committed perjury at trial because he wanted to do what it took “to win his mother back.” He deceived when, as a twenty year old, he placed his hand on the Bible, swore an oath to God, then commenced to cry and blow snot bubbles on the stand before bolting out of the courtroom, only to be drug back in by Sara McAmis and forced to agree to her false narrative or face jail time for the perjury he committed at the preliminary hearing.

Recently, father, husband, brother-in-Christ, and multi talented entertainer Stephen Laurel “tWitch” Boss committed suicide on 12/14. I’d never met and certainly don’t know him, other than the persona and interviews he’d given on television, but for some reason his death has shocked and rocked me. During these ten years of warehoused incarceration I’ve been able to watch him enter the realm of pop culture, especially his time on the Ellen Degeneres show, and now exit from this plane of existence. He seemed to have been endowed and favored by King Jesus with an idealistic life. I especially admired what a devoted father and husband that he not only seemed to be, but that so many have given testimony about since his passing.

Exactly what was is that caused him so much pain that he felt that suicide was his only solution? I’ll be watching and reading the news intently for that answer. I’ve definitely considered committing acts of self harm over the past ten years as I continue to suffer the repercussions of my prodigal’s weaponized false allegation, specifically from the loneliness, isolation, rejection, and purposefullessness that I continue to battle against. But what were tWitch’s triggers? What was is about his life that left him so overwhelmingly distraught? Halford Luccock said, “empathy is your pain in my heart,” and I’m quite certain that this is the pain my heart currently feels. Verisimilitude best describes how I perceived tWitch’s demeanor. Every time I saw him on television he was bringing joy to others through his dance, his compassion, his humor, and his generosity. When he appeared with his family you could not only see the joy in his demeanor, but it exuded through the screen. That was all my heart has ever longed for, and still does: to be the father that the Lord created me to be. It’s all I ever wanted. It’s all that I still desire. To be out of this chattled warehouse, living in a tent along Riverside Drive, and cleaning toilets at Walmart into my eighties would all be OK as long as I could have a restored relationship with my prodigal, my daughter, and any future grandchildren. Why wasn’t being an active and attentive father and husband enough for tWitch? I assume that there were no financial worries. I know that over the past decade that he’s shared openly in interviews about some of his mental health issues and was an advocate for counseling and therapy. He just appeared to be a man who had it all together. I guess what concerns me the most is that I’m just a few weeks into this move at Jess Dunn and my feelings of isolation and purposefullessness have reemerged. I miss the handful of people I was beginning to get to know at Granite. Now that there is an open question about being able to easily accomplish a daily run, which I did for my mental health just as much as for my cardio health, that makes me frustrated. That combined with the overwhelming ETS is surely affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Very luckily for me and the other men warehoused here, this yard offers several opportunities for spiritual development. I’m attending Crossing Community Church and the church of Christ (sponsored by Fort Gibson church of Christ) services on Sunday as well as a New Life Behavior 12 step program. I am not having thoughts of self harm or suicidal ideations, I’m just melancholy over missing the life and routine that I had established at Granite. Once again being FORCED to upheave my life and having little say over the direction my life is taking. The only choices I get to make are how I react to the DOC’s decisions for me as well as my reactions to the actions of the strangers I live among. I’m just not sure why tWitch’s death landed on me the way it did. I’m not sure why I am empathizing as deeply as I am.

    As I contemplate this birthday and holiday season, I am attempting to piece together some anecdotes I have either read or heard of late as I remember my children, recall better days, and offer my birthday prayer.

Notably, the following anecdote was written on a wall during the Holocaust by an unknown author: “I believe in the sun even when it is not shinning, I believe in love even when I cannot feel it, I believe in God even when He is silent.”     Ebulliently, Matthew records in his narrative at 17:14-20 Jesus as saying, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”     Curiously, while watching Thor Love and Thunder a few weeks back I so readily identified with Gorr’s overwhelming feelings of loss and love for his daughter driving his menacing behaviour. I can understand loving your children so much, so deeply that you’d stop at almost nothing to reestablish a relationship with them. I also identify with Gorr wondering if God is just idly standing by while your world is being wrecked. I must wonder if Ukrainian’s wonder the same these past nine months I know I have on their behalf. Thor then provided a bit of anecdotal truth to Gorr that has stuck with me. Thor said, “It is not death or revenge that you seek….you seek love.”     Death or revenge is never loving. Revenge will not abate the pain. Revenge is never satisfying. One of my favorite episodes of Star Wars: Andor this fall was titled The Axe Forgets The Tree Remembers. Having a “Karen” use reverse racism, reverse genderism, and untruths against me in order to keep her job, having my prodigal agree to commit perjury to a DA’s weaponized false allegations of abuse, being recently Monkey poxed, and then being a victim of keyboard courage and digital rage could all be reasons for revenge seeking behavior. But I will not fall for Satan’s ploys.     Obviously, it is no coincidence that I’ve heard or read several times over the past few weeks in various devotionals and podcasts that if you’re not being tested, then how can you know if your faith is genuine. I feel that King Jesus has been telling me quite often over the past few weeks to just tell my mountain to move. His Holy Spirit has also been encouraging me to continue to turn to Him, to allow these negative events to pass, and to trust that He will redeem the time, redeem the losses, and redeem the future.     Transcendent above all of the anecdotes I’ve been exposed to recently, this one from a podcast continues to be at the forefront of my mind …..A man meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and Peter asks, “Do you have any scars?” The man proudly beams and replies that he has absolutely none. Peter’s eyes droop and he looks at him sadly and asks, ” Why not? Was there nothing in your life worth fighting for?” ….as told by Matthew Perry as related to him by Martin Sheen……I never could have imagined as I was nurturing and rearing my children that my deepest scars would have been etched by my prodigal Absalom/Kylo and those I love most in this world. However, had I not loved the three of them so profoundly, their wounds upon me would not have been capable of being so gravely cut into my flesh.

 It’s time to trade in my buff and go into the merge.

I have completed the move to lower security. I signed for this move six weeks ago. I’ve been looking forward to it. I’ve been trusting King Jesus in it. You don’t often hear many good things about minimum yards, but I’ve been trusting King Jesus. The four yards I’ve been warehoused at so far have been good yards. I’ve had very good cellies (Daniel Paul “DP” Waller, Gary Sellman, John Rowland, James Lewis (RIP)(JCCC),/ Roger Nash (Core Civic Cushing), / Dean Sloan Wilkins (GEO Lawton), / and Jeremy Young (OSR Granite)) and trust my Lord for another good cellie and safe yard. I watched the movies (Buzz) Lightyear and Top Gun:Maverick recently. I was amused by the concept of playing Dogfight Football. It reminded me of living on a prison yard because you are always, always, having to play offense and defense AT THE SAME TIME. I am not anticipating having to stay on alert too long once I settle in. Unlike Buzz, I AM going to rely on my I.V.A.N, my Holy Spirit led Internal Voice Activated Navigation system, to guide me through. In the eleven months I’ve been warehoused at the Granite facility the 48 weeks have sped by. In March, when I started attending Celebrate Recovery® On The Inside, I would introduce myself in the traditional format saying that I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who cerebrates recovery from rejection and selfishness and currently struggles with loneliness and a sense of purposefullessness. Almost immediately King Jesus brought me into contact with two sober seeking “youngsters” (40 year olds) who wanted to do a daily 7K run with me, and to share their stories and struggles. In choosing to be available for them and their emotional, spiritual, and accountability needs, I also found a sense of purpose and my own loneliness was eased. I will miss my Celebrate Recovery® accountability group and my sponcees. I will miss my running buddies. I will miss the trust we worked to establish and the way we could be very honest and open with one another. I will miss my barber. It’s hard to find someone who can do a good bald fade and not hack up these cowlicks! I will miss having a competent staff librarian who was able to locate and order the Star Wars series that I was reading to pass the time a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I look forward to the next steps in my journey…….. (Fri. 12/2) It took over 14 hours, but I finally arrived at Jess Dunn about 8:30am this morning. I was dreading the actual transfer process, however it went very smoothly. There were only 3 other men involved in the bus ride from Granite(12/1 6:30pm) to the Lexington(10:30pm) hold over. They had cleaned up the holdover rooms and actually gave us a decent mat to sleep upon. We left at 3:30am for the John Lilly(5:30am) transfer hub. From there I was moved to a comfortable van for the 6:30-8:30 solo inmate ride to Taft. Once at Taft I was processed immediately and then went immediately to pick up my property from the quartermaster. I finally landed at my bunk @10:30am. It’s all dormitory style living. It is purposefully overcrowded (very overcrowded) to justify necessitating “emergency” releases (wink wink to Gov. Stitt). I’m in an “aisle” bed (top bunk, again). Being in the “overflow” aisle means there is no electrical hookup or coax, but they have jerry rigged a system so I can watch TV.

    God bless you and keep you. In this months Turning Points magazine and devotional by Dr. David Jeremiah he focuses on gratitude. In the article The Grace of Gratitude Dr. Jeremiah says Grace Given + Gratitude Expressed = Grace Extended. This missionary journey I’ve been on for the past 534 weeks has, at times, not presented easy opportunities to extend grace. Often, in prison, grace and Christlike meekness are perceived as weakness; and appearing weak while incarcerated can make you an unwitting target for physical violence, extortion, or worse.

Relocating last year back to a state yard had the extra bonus of the introduction of the Securustech.net tablets. One of the features of the tablet is the capability to have available free faith based pod casts and Bible Teaching on a daily basis. Another is the ability to rent current theatrical released movies at the same time they are eventually released for steaming and /or DVD. While the rental price is moderate (less than the price of a real world movie ticket), it is still out of reach for many. The rental lasts for 48 hours. One easy way I’ve found to bless others, to extend grace, is to allow them to watch the movie on my tablet at no cost or expectation of anything in return. This seems like an easy enough transaction, but you must understand that in prison, there is almost nothing that transacts with no strings attached.     At the initial times I invited/offered to allow someone to watch a movie, on my tablet, in their own cell, by themselves (trusting them with my personally assigned equipment that cost <$250 to replace) I received several declinations. It took a lot if convincing to get them to understand that I just wanted to bless them, to extend the grace of Jesus without the expectation of anything in return. It was just incomprehensible to some of them, especially to the old timers who have been in for longer than I have. Several times I’ve been told that once I’ve been in a while I’d understand their apprehension. When I reply that I have ten calendars under my belt, they are astonished how I am not jaded and could be so kind having been locked away for so long. I take that as a compliment that they see the character, conduct, and conversation of King Jesus still reflected through me. It gives me a hopeful reassurance that as I return from my exile and find myself returned to the “real” world that I can continue to work the equation Grace Given + Gratitude Expressed = Grace Extended.

    Praise the Lord, today I completed 85% of my sentence for Count #2. My accrued/”banked” earned credit/”good boy” days became activated and then fulfilled/discharged the remainder of my Count #2 sentence today. 3723 days down and, if worse comes to worse, 2482 days left to go as I begin to serve my Count #3 sentence. However, I currently have my Commutation Packet and Parole Packet under consideration. I have already signed my lower security/minimum transfer paperwork. I won’t serve the entirety of this sentence for Count #3 for which my prodigal Absalom/Kylo accuses me of leering at him (or rather Det. Baumann and ADA McAmis created a weaponized false allegation of to then accuse me of on his behalf).

Returning from this exile is so close it is palpable. A recently released report by forward.us (fwd.us) continues to show Oklahoma has the highest incarceration rate in the nation. The state has no more financial incentive to keep us locked up. Corporate greed and covid induced inflation have raised the cost of all food items and energy costs. Fortunately, newer Federal regulations require the state to maintain certain nutritional standards, mandated a higher degree of medical treatment, and provide year-round heat/AC, which all drive up costs. These are all areas that Oklahoma has skirted for decades, which they now must pony up for. Because Gov. Stitt began the process of discontinuing the use of private for-profit prisons, there is now no more financial incentives for counties to adjudicate all of these consecutive and extremely lengthy sentences.     Exile can take a toll on a person, but mine is quickly coming to an end! I’ve tried to refrain from adopting an institutionalized mentality while surrounded by the most ashewed our state has to offer. I recently listened to a podcast series by Rick Warren about Resuming Life After Captivity. He gleans and then offers some advice from the post captivity Prophets Ezra, Nehemiah, Haggai, Zachariah, and Malachi: 1. EXPECT to feel mixed emotions when returning from captivity. In Ezra 3:8-13 some (mostly young folks) celebrated, and some (mostly older folks) grieved, weeping and rejoicing, upon return home. I’m ready to laugh and cry, to even miss the familiarity of strangers I’ll be leaving behind. 2. EXTRACT the lessons learned and write them down (Galatians 3:4). Record the spiritual truths learned in pain……if you’re reading this blog, you know I’ve been doing that. 3. EVALUATE everything before automatically resuming it; Haggai 1:5-6 and 2:15,17-18 admonishes us that returning from exile is a rare opportunity to reset my entire life (again); to develop new habits and patterns; as Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living; Proverbs 19:2 encourages that zeal without knowledge is not a good thing; don’t move too quickly……I need to go only after those things that I am passionate and excited about. 4. ENGAGE slowly. Don’t be in a rush to restart everything all at once……I am a decade older and need to be choosy over how I spend my time and my physical/mental energies. Habakkuk 2:3 and Exodus 23:29-30 says to seek God’s plan for my future realizing it won’t all happen at once. In God’s sovereign plan delays are always for my benefit. He works little by little every day. 5. ELIMINATE the non-essentials. Hebrews 12:1, 1 Corinthians 6:12, and Ephesians 4:22-24 tells us to run your race, throw off the weight that hinders you down, get rid of old attitudes and expectations.