Thank you Lord, for NOT judging like humans do.

I have no idea why I feel the need to do this every year. I know, before I do it, that it is going to tear me apart, make me angry, make me sad, and have me questioning whether humanity is long past any form of compassion or redemption.

And yet, every year, I find myself grateful that God is not human, that he does not see nor judge as humans do.

Monday will mark 11 years.

11 years since the event that changed so many lives and hearts forever.

11 years since my younger sister committed a murder that still echoes around the world. (Of course, the made-for-television movie about the event doesn’t help,since it was shown worldwide. {Thanks HBO-not!})

And every year I find myself looking up the other family. Hoping for just a shred of forgiveness or mercy. Looking at the child at the center of it all, praying for him as he grows.

There are multiple groups here on Facebook dedicated to the crime and the memory of the deceased.

Every year there are comments and questions from around the world from people who have seen the movie and have gone on to Google the case. Horrible, hateful, condemnations from people who only know one side of things.

People who have no idea of the times my family begged for help for my sister…from police, from dfacs, from doctors, from counselors, from anyone and everyone we prayed might possibly be able to help.

 

Help that never came.

 

I could tell of the 2 years I had custody of her children. I could tell of standing with social workers who were as angry and confused as I was when a bleeding heart judge gave those kids back to her. I could tell you of multiple times I saved her from fights and angry people. I could tell you of the times *I* spent in jail (twice) for her fights with ME. I could tell you of the multiple police officers it took to arrest her during an episode, long before this incident. I could tell of violence and abuse both inflicted by and upon her over the course of many years.

I could testify of sleepless nights, of hospital visits, of tears and prayers. I could tell you of numerous Sunday mornings where my father knelt at the altar lifting up my sister and her children.

None of it conveyed to the multitude who stand in judgement, who would condemn her (and by extension, her family) to the bowels of hell.

This morning, there was a post from less than a week ago. A man from India who had just viewed the movie and proceeded to self righteously proclaim that “God would NEVER forgive her”, that she was condemned to hell.

As always, I stopped myself from posting a sharp retort.

Because no one but ME (as my family members are on their own healing journey,and do not have contact with her) sees the multiple letters begging for forgiveness and understanding, hears her tears over what occurred, knows the way she struggles to forgive herself in spite of the added burden of mental illness beyond reckoning. No one sees the way she tries over and over again to seek repentance, despite having been saved years ago.

Thank God, he doesn’t condemn like humans do.

The greatest king of Israel (besides Jesus himself) was a murderer. The human author-or scribe- of the majority of the new testament was a serial murderer. The man God choose to free the slaves from Egypt was a murderer. I’m quite sure I could find more examples should I try.

And yet, God called David a “Man after his own heart.”

Paul left a legacy of faith that still testifies to this day.

Moses is celebrated in all Abrahamic religions for the way God used him.

And if God can-and did- use them, he can use her as well.

I’m struggling to deal with things, to pray for those who stand in judgement. I’m struggling to forgive and extend love to the victim’s family, the brother of whom has tried to assault/hurt/kill my sibling in prison, the mother of whom would post “damn you to hell” on Kathy’s Facebook on her birthday for years.

But I pray for them, and try to extend love, because I realize that they, like I, am struggling with it.

I don’t wish bad things for the victim’s family. I pray for God to love them, to comfort them, to save them, to grant them peace and understanding.

I know that only humans declare levels of sin, sitting in judgement saying, “well, at least I didn’t do THAT.”

God doesn’t see it that way, but also thank God that when HE forgives… it’s gone, never to be remembered again.

Maybe we should try to be more like God in that way.

God bless you today.

#ForgiveThem

#dontjudgewhatyoudontunderstand

#mercy